


Hold On

by VioletLopez



Series: Dear Evan Hansen drabbles [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It was supposed to be fluff, Jared Angst, Why Did I Write This?, because we need more jared fics, im not happy, im so so sorry, insecure jared, my finger slipped, now it's angst, therefore neither is my writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 04:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11305668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletLopez/pseuds/VioletLopez
Summary: "Do you miss me?"Connor and Evan are worried. Jared is doubtful.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck. This was supposed to be fluff. Oops.
> 
>  
> 
> TW: implied self harm

Jared flopped down on the couch and stared at the blank television screen. He considered reaching for the remote to flip it on, but he let his hand fall almost as soon as he raised it. There wasn’t anything worth watching, really, not in this state of mind.

 

Evan and Connor had left for a week, going down to Florida to visit Connor’s grandparents. When Jared asked why he couldn’t go, they’d said that Grandma Murphy could hardly handle one boyfriend - she might have a heart attack if she knew that Connor had two.

 

(maybe they don’t want you around.)

 

He stiffened at the thought and reached blindly for his phone, his finger hovering hesitantly over Evan’s name when the screen lit up. Connor was calling.

 

“Hey,” Jared greeted, trying to make his voice less lackluster than he felt.

 

“Hi, Jared!” It was Evan.

 

Jared frowned. “Why are you using Connor’s phone? I’m not allowed to touch Connor’s phone.”

 

“Mine’s dead,” Evan explained. “I wanted to talk to you.”

 

“Don’t you need to sleep? Isn’t, like midnight down there?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Evan repeated. “Are you ok? You sound… not ok.”

 

Jared stayed silent.

 

“Jared?”

 

(no, i’m not ok. i miss you.)

 

“Jared, sweetie, please talk to me."

 

(do you miss me?)

 

Jared choked back tears. “I’m fine, Ev.”

 

He can feel the blond boy’s alarm. “It sounds like you’ve crying.” His voice pulls farther away from the phone. “Connor, help.”

“What is it?” Connor’s faint voice doesn’t sound very concerned.

 

(but it’s only jared after all.)

 

“It’s Jared.”

 

Connor’s voice comes through the receiver. “Jared?”

 

“I’m fine, Hot Topic, don’t you worry,” Jared insists.

 

“You don’t sound fine.”

 

“Fuck off,” Jared snaps. “Why’d you call anyway? I thought you didn’t have time for me.”

 

“Jared!” Connor’s voice is sharp. He knows where Jared’s mind is going. Jared can hear an undertone of fear, and the scars sting.

 

Tears threaten to fall. “It’s fine, Con Man.”

 

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

(you don’t want me.)

 

“I’m fine.”

 

(i’m wasting your time.)

 

“I’m gonna go.”

 

(maybe forever.)

 

“No!” Connor exclaims. “Stay on the line, baby. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“I miss you,” Jared whispers.

 

“Jared -”

 

“Do you miss me?”

 

“Of course!” Connor sounds alarmed. “I - fuck, Jar, I miss you so much. I love you.”

 

(liar.)

 

“What’s happening?” Evan’s voice filters from the background. Connor’s response is muffled, like he’s covering the mouthpiece.

 

“He’s scared we don’t miss him.”

 

“Jared?” It’s Evan again.

 

“Hi, Ev,” Jared murmurs in a choked voice.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Sweetheart, please.” Evan’s voice is pleading. “Just… we’re flying home tomorrow morning, alright? Hold on for us.”

 

“Why?” Jared muttered, letting his head fall onto the back of the couch. “You’ll just leave again. They all do, eventually.”

 

“I’m never going to leave you,” Evan promised. “And neither is Connor. Please, we’ll be home soon. Just hold on.”

 

Jared gives a bitter laugh and hangs up.

 

what is he holding onto?

 

He goes to find the razor, and ignores the phone ringing behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Goddammit, I love you guys."
> 
> Jared is hurt. Connor is worried. Evan fucking hates planes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know why you wanted this but here
> 
> TW: self harm
> 
> it is literally 2a here why the fuck am i even awake

Evan has never liked plane rides. They make his palms sweaty and his heart speed up and his mind all jumbled because what if we crash whatifthere’safire howthehellisseveraltonsofmetalstayingintheairanyway-

 

Evan just doesn’t like them. This one, though, this one is even worse, because he feels sick for an entirely different reason and Connor is clenching his hand so tight it hurts and why isn’t Jared answering his goddamn phone?

 

Last night Evan had gotten one of the worst phone calls of his life. He’d gotten lots of bad calls, like when he was thirteen and the hospital called to say his mom had gotten in a car accident or when he was a junior and Alana called crying because she felt so useless or when Zoe called beginning of senior year because Connor had swallowed almost an entire bottle of his anxiety prescription. But this phone call had left him shaking, left tears stinging his eyes, because Jared wasn’t supposed to sound like that, all hollow and broken and depressed.

 

Evan tightened his grip on Connor’s hand because ohgodwhatif-

 

Jared hasn’t hurt himself in years, not since Connor forgave him for the events that happened the summer before senior year. Still, Evan can’t get the image out of his head of his boyfriend lying on the floor of the bathroom, cut up and bleeding and unfixable. He doesn’t think he could live without Jared. He doesn’t think Connor could, either. He’s their rock.

 

No one would guess it, but Connor and Evan fight the most out of the three. Connor and Jared bicker, sure, and Evan will snap at Jared sometimes if his humour gets too uncouth, but it’s nothing compared to the arguments Connor and Evan get into. There’s screaming and shouting so loud their neighbors complain, so loud that sometimes Evan’s throat is hoarse the next day, and insults meant to hurt and words crafted in anger to cut open the other and watch them bleed. It’s a battle for dominance, one that comes back over and over again, sometimes so bad that Evan thinks he’ll wake up and Connor won’t be next to him anymore.

 

Every time an argument ends, when Connor goes storming out of the apartment and Evan locks himself in the bedroom, Jared will knock softly on the door and come in. He’ll hug Evan to his chest and speak quietly, calling him ‘sweetheart’ and ‘darling’ and other pet names, and he’ll kiss away his tears until Evan is sure he doesn’t deserve him. After he’s sure that Evan’s alright, he’ll leave him with his favourite book and a cup of tea and leave to go find Connor, and when they get back Connor will hug Evan close and say he’s sorry and Evan will say he’s sorry too and Jared will just smile until they pull him close and everything’s alright again.

 

Evan swallows hard. Without Jared, he thinks just one argument would be enough to break him and Connor apart for good.

 

The plane landing is smooth and the ride home is harried, tense silence hanging in the air because Jared is at home and they’re stuck in fucking traffic and who knows what their boyfriend is going through right now.

 

Evan doesn’t get his luggage when they pull up, just slams the car door shut and take off running, Connor a few steps in front of him with his long-ass legs. They practically break down the door in their frenzy to get it open.

 

“Jared?” Connor calls as soon as they’re inside. “Jared, baby, where are you?”

 

There’s no response, and Evan’s breath catches in his throat and his head is starting to spin and there’s a cold, nauseous feeling creeping up in his stomach because where the fuck is Jared?

 

“Jared!” He yells. “Jar, please!”

 

He tears through the apartment. Jared isn’t in the living room or the kitchen or the bedroom or - he hears a muffled sob from the bathroom and stops in his tracks.

 

“Jared?” He says, softer. A low, choked cry answers him, and his panic begins to mount again. He tries the door handle, but it won’t give. Connor comes up behind him and rests a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Jared,” the long-haired man called. “Can you let us in, baby?”

 

“I-I-” Jared breaks off into another sob, but he was attempting words at least. Evan leans his head against the door and speaks just loud enough for Jared to hear him, parroting words that Jared has whispered to him after fights.

 

“It’s alright, darling… it’s ok. We love you, we really do, and we just need you to let us in, ok? We just want to help you. We want to see you happy, sweetheart, we want to see you smiling and laughing and making silly jokes and we want to kiss you and hold you and cuddle you when you’re cold and -fuck, Jared, we just want you, so please let us in?”

 

There’s a pause, and then the lock clicks. Evan and Connor waste no time pushing the door open, and Evan almost starts sobbing himself when they get inside.

 

Jared is sitting on the floor against the bathtub, the acrid scent of blood in the air. He has his knees pulled up to his chest, and his arms wrapped around them. He’s shaking, his normally well-styled hair falling in his face so that Evan can’t see his eyes. His cheeks are hollow, and somehow Evan doubts that he’s eaten much since they left.

 

“Oh, baby,” Connor breathes. He kneels in front of Jared, reaching out to brush his hair out of his eyes. Jared hunches even farther into himself.

 

“Fuck off,” he mutters. “I can take care of myself. I even cleaned it already, see?” He extends his arm, and Evan really does almost throw up that time.

 

The old scars are faded now, testament to the time that has passed. But in the middle of all the whitewashed marks, red letters are carved clumsily into the skin, still bleeding sluggishly.

 

‘Unloved’ it spells out in all caps, and Evan feels like the worst boyfriend ever.

 

“Oh, God no,” he breathes. He sinks down carefully next to Jared. He places his hand under Jared’s chin and lifts it to look at him. “Not at all, Jar. I love you so, so much, more than I can even say.” He leans forward, softly kissing off the tears like Jared does for him, and his fragile boyfriend melts into the touch. Connor sits down on Jared’s other side, slipping an arm around his waist and tugging him close.

 

“I-I know I don’t really say it much, but I do love you,” he whispers into Jared’s ear, and it sparks a new wave of tears. “Please don’t cry baby, please don’t hurt yourself. I love you more than life, and nothing is ever going to change that.”

 

“Why?” Jared’s voice cracks in the middle of the sentence. “You already have Evan and he’s perfect so why would you want me? I’m not smart or pretty or creative in fact I’m kind of just totally useless -”

 

“That’s not true,” Evan interrupts, fear lacing his voice. “You’re beautiful, Jared, and you’re so smart-”

 

“So talented, too,” Connor says, dropping a kiss on top of Jared’s head. “Hell, baby, have you heard yourself sing? And the songs you write- I could never do that.”

 

Jared sniffles and buries his face in Evan’s shoulder. “Goddammit, I love you guys,” he whispers, parroting his first confession.

 

“Me too.”

 

“Me three.”

 

“Connor, you’re a dork.” Jared’s voice is muffled by Evan’s shoulder, but they can still hear the amusement lacing it, and they all laugh.

 

They have a long, long way to go, but it can’t take them down if they have each other.

 

(evan just hopes it doesn’t involve planes. he fucking hates planes.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (headcanon that Jared is a singer/songwriter)


End file.
